Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean you’ll never feel triggered, upset, or overwhelmed — it means you develop the tools and awareness to respond deliberately instead of reacting automatically.

When big emotions rise, we need a practical way to move from reaction to reflection — from emotional hijack to emotional insight.

This 4-step method helps you bring your thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) back online and engage in emotionally intelligent behaviour:

1. TUNE IN — Pause and Pay Attention

The first step to regulating any emotion is becoming aware of it. Most of us skip over this part — we jump into action (or reaction) without stopping to check in with ourselves.

“Tuning in” means slowing down long enough to ask:

• “What am I feeling right now?”

• “Where am I feeling it in my body?”

• “What triggered this?”

You don’t have to analyse it deeply at this stage — just notice it.

Examples:

• “I’m feeling overwhelmed and my chest is tight.”

• “There’s tension in my jaw — I think I’m annoyed.”

• “I feel numb. Something’s off.”

✨ Emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. If you can name it, you can begin to work with it.

 

2. CONNECT — Validate the Feeling

Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, the next step is to accept it without judgment. Many of us try to talk ourselves out of how we feel:

• “I shouldn’t be this angry.”

• “Other people have it worse — why am I sad?”

• “I’m overreacting.”

But feelings are not wrong — they just are. They exist to give you feedback, not to define you. Validating an emotion doesn’t mean you act on it — it means you recognise it as real and relevant.

Try saying:

• “It’s okay to feel this way. It makes sense given the situation.”

• “This emotion is telling me something important.”

• “I can sit with this feeling without being ruled by it.”

Emotional validation reduces stress in the body and helps the brain return to balance.

 

3. REFLECT — Ask What the Emotion Is Telling You

Emotions are messengers. Once you’ve paused and validated the feeling, take a moment to listen to what it’s trying to communicate. Every emotion contains data about your needs, your values, or your boundaries.

Ask:

• “Why is this emotion showing up?”

• “What need might be going unmet?”

• “What does this say about what I care about?”

Examples:

• Anger might signal that a boundary has been crossed.

• Sadness may point to a sense of loss or disconnection.

• Anxiety might be highlighting a need for preparation or clarity.

• Joy might be showing you what truly energises and fulfills you.

🧩 Reflection transforms emotion from reaction to information.

 

4. ACT — Respond with Intention

Finally, use what you’ve learned to take an action — or make a decision — that aligns with your values, not just your impulses. This is the hallmark of emotional intelligence.

Ask yourself:

• “What response reflects the kind of person I want to be?”

• “What action supports growth, not just short-term relief?”

• “How can I express this emotion in a healthy, clear way?”

Examples:

• Instead of snapping at a colleague, you take a breath and ask for space.

• Instead of shutting down in sadness, you reach out to a friend.

• Instead of overreacting to feedback, you reflect and respond calmly.

🛤️ Acting with intention builds trust — with yourself and others.

 

🔑 Bonus Insight: Awareness is the First Step

The most powerful emotional regulation tool is also the simplest:

Awareness.

You cannot change what you are not aware of. Every time you notice your emotional state, even if you don’t get the next steps right, you’re training your brain to become more emotionally intelligent. With practice, this gets faster, smoother, and more natural.

✍️ Activity:

Think of a recent emotional situation.
Write down how you could have applied each of the 4 steps.
What might the outcome have been with a more regulated response?